Amsterdam... lots of naughty things to do... so little time

Right. The first question. What is Amsterdam known for? It doesn’t require a lot of thought to know the answer to that question. Sex and drugs. We arrived in the evening and had been told our surprise. For a very reasonable 30 Euro (yay for group discounts) we were booked in to watch one hour of a live sex show. Yes, live. Before we arrived at what they refer to as a sex theatre, we had a walk through the red light district and skinny alley. It was just so different to anything that I had ever experienced. As soon as we arrived the smell of marijuana was in the air. We were told what was what. Apparently coffee shops are for smoking drugs. Cafes sell food. Coffee shops do not sell alcohol either because you shouldn’t mix drugs and alcohol, as any true pot user knows...

There was also the matter of glass door after glass door with ladies of the evening selling their wares. They just stand there in skimpy underwear opening the door to prospective clients. It was different, and considering it was a Monday night there was a lot of people out and about, and a lot of curtains pulled across doors.
I only have one photo in the red light district and that is of statue of a prostitute. What is so great about the statue is that it is situated right outside the oldest church in Amsterdam, right in the heart of the red light district. Crazy. Obviously you can’t take photos anywhere else. We were all warned about that and no one was stupid enough to try it.
We arrived at the sex theatre around 9pm and as we entered, all 40 of us, we were given lollypops. Girls got huge penis lollies, boys got huge boobs. When we first entered there was already a couple going at it on the stage. Every single on of us sort of just stopped and weren’t quite sure where to look. Then the giggling began. When we were sitting they were finishing their part of the show. It was the most liberating experience and by the end of the hour I don’t think I will ever blush again.
The show was basically a series of ten minute shows, where couples came on, did their thing, then walked back off. There was a rotating table in the middle of the stage. There was no coming, just a different position every 30 seconds or so. The ladies were very, VERY flexible.
Because Contiki was in the house, it meant they put on a special show. First was the Banana show. Whatever you are thinking right now, you are probably pretty close. Five of our guys were called up on stage and danced with a very limber lady, at the end of the act she was on the floor, the banana sticking out of her and the boys each had to take a bite.
Next was a lady who came off the stage and right up to our group. She was flirting with the boys but wouldn’t let them touch her. The girls on the other hand, because we had no interest, she got up close to. Example: I was sitting on the end of the row and TK, on of the guys in the group, was in the row behind me. Instead of going straight to him, she walked over to me, leant over me, so I quite literally had my face between her boobs. When she moved away, she said thank you. I couldn’t stop laughing. Another example: she put lotion on her boobs, and lotion on a guys hands. He had to rub them on his own chest, and she grabbed Erin’s hands and had her rub the lotion in to her boobs. We girls decided later that it must be a safety thing for the dancers. We were in tears, it was hilarious. The same woman then grabbed one of the boys and had him pull his shirt off and lie on the floor. She had a permanent marker. Her vaginal muscles must be epic because she squatted over his chest and wrote bad boy in large bold letters. She didn’t use her hands at all.
There was also a strip tease for the ladies. He was very, very pretty and ripped. I want a man with that much control over his pecs and butt muscles.
After an hour, and trust me when I say that an hour is enough, it was time to try the other thing that Amsterdam has lots of on offer. About 7 of us headed to a coffee house. Originally I was going to eat a brownie, but after talking to Jenn, I decided that smoking it would be safer because it takes the brownies half an hour to work and the effects don’t ware off for some time. Whereas, with smoking, the effects are instantaneous so you know straight away and can stop.
We spoke to the man selling it, and he pointed us to the mildest stuff they have, which is still strong, and he told me to take it very slowly as it was my first time.
I have never smoked in my life. I had no idea how to light a cigarette, so one of the boys did lit it for me. It was a very strange effect and I didn’t feel anything at first, mostly because I wasn’t so much inhaling as holding it in my mouth. By the way, it tasted disgusting. It started to work about ten minutes later and everything seemed to slow down and I relaxed completely. I remember everything clearly and some of my actions at the time seemed perfectly logical but when I think back, I am not so sure. I had to hold a coaster under my cup and when someone took it off me, I told them that I couldn’t drink my lemonade without it, so they put it back. I also, while under the influence, thought that everyone talked to much, one of our group was a hobbit, there was someone behind me (that turned out to be a picture of a giant grasshopper). I was really tired too so a group of us went back to the hotel. Me and Mike found the vending machine. MM’s never tasted so good.

The next day, when I woke, I was thirsty as hell, and so very tired. I wasn’t the only one. After breakfast, we went out of the city to a clog and cheese making factory. Had my photo taken in huge clogs. It was good fun. After that, we headed back into the city and were dropped off at Anne Frank’s house. It was a fantastic museum with extracts from the diary used to explain the parts of the house. There were interviews playing on TVs, people who knew the Frank family. It was very touching.
When we had finished up there, I decided to strike out on my own. I needed some down time and many others were heading off to the Heiniken factory. I needed to buy a new bag, as I had bought far too many things on this trip.
I walked and walked and walked. I saw a lot, somehow managed to get turned about and ended up in the red light, which I quickly exited again, and tried again to find the main shopping walk.
I had coffees and cakes and got a new bag. YAY. It was half price. 25 Euro instead of 50. At about 3.30pm I met up with some of the others and we headed back to the hotel.

That evening, our last evening all together, we had dinner in a fishing town then a glass boat cruise along the canals in the city. It was very beautiful and a lovely way to end the tour. Sadly, I also had a massive headache, so by the time the boat cruise was over, I was ready for bed. Apparently, many were. I felt bad, because, I would have liked to go out, but I didn’t just end the night on a low note. Jade, Jodie, Mike and I had a PJ Tea Party. It was really relaxing and gave my head a chance to relax.

It took me a further hour to pack my bag. Sigh. Tour finishes tomorrow.
The next morning we were up very early in the morning for a full day of driving. We farewelled a few people at the airport then we were off.
We had one last surprise. Instead of stopping at McD’s for a service stop, Jenn and Rich took us into Belgium , specifically into Bruges. What a beautiful little town. I am definitely going back there. We had lunch, a little walk and were off again, down to Calais.
By the time we had done the ferry crossing, and the drive back into London, it was 7pm.
I said my farewells, which was very horrible, I headed to the Metro to catch a train out to the airport.
I arrived at 8.30pm at the hotel. I felt so dirty and sweaty that I ignored going down for dinner, had a muesli bar, and an hour long bath instead. Much better.
My flight doesn’t leave until 10pm tonight. I still have some time to kill but I am too exhausted to do anything other than lie of the bed. I will see you all soon. xxx